sayonara, Davao.

*random*

This is my first post in my new blog. If you're wondering why I even made a new one, you will have to find that out for yourself or wait for me until I feel like blogging about it.

Okay. Start.

I just arrived from Pangasinan for the RSPC. I didn't win, obviously. Haha. It's not like I'm moping or anything. It's not like I didn't take it seriously, either. It's just, well... weird. I mean, the topic that was given to us was quite expected. And that was actually what I was afraid of.

We were doing some writing exercises with Ms. E. For the editorial writers, the Maguindanao Massacre. Two words, I sucked.

I'm not necessarily good with these kinds of editorial, you know, editorial of information and editorial of criticism. And editorial of argumentation is really hard to do -- definitely a bad choice for me, especially since I only started writing editorials just for this contest (4 written so far, and counting). I'm not even the editor-in-chief. I didn't know why I was there, really.

So for the whole contest, I was praying that the topic was about elections, Gloria running for congress, and other blah blahs. Just please, please not the massacre.

I don't know why, but fate really likes to mess around with life. I was expecting this too, so I tried preparing myself by reading lots and lots of editorials and opinions. And still, zero.

Then, the day of the contest came.

The feature writing - English contestants had the massacre for their topic. I was kind of relieved, thinking that there was a possibility that we were not going to have the same topic. But of course, doing reverse psychology to myself won't work. Then, it was my turn to write. The proctor wrote "Maguindanao Massacre" on the board. I was like, "whaaaat?? hell!". It felt like the end of the world for me. My mouth was hanging open, literally! And then, the proctor continued writing. When she finished, I finally saw what was written in the board. It said, "Maguindanao Massacre: Its Effect on Journalism".

I was kind of relieved. Even though there wasn't much difference from the original topic, it was enough to break me out of my writer's block. Well, not really. Actually, I just concentrated with the "effect on journalism" part. :p

Side note:

I also had this problem with time. For a long time, I didn't know I was a perfectionist. I mean, I'm not really GC or anything. So, missing a few (or more) requirements didn't bother me. But, when I do pass something, I make it really good. It has to pass my standards. :p

Anyway, I realized that I was a perfectionist when I was in first year high school. I hated my work if it didn't look good. I'd repeat it, and repeat it all over again until achieve what I want. Of course, by the time I'd finish, it will be past the deadline already. And also, the time for my other projects also got used. x.x

This scenario is no different when it comes to my writing. Kahit konting smudge lang, repeat agad. It happened plenty of times, already. During my second year, I had to rewrite a lot of times because I'd make an error during the end part and had to rewrite the whole page. Take note, back to back pa ko kung magsulat nun. Ayun, I got tired of writing and writing the same thing all over again. So I stopped taking notes. So pagdating sa tests, quizzes, and others... No notes. No reviewer. Bahala na si Batman.

Anyway, so ayun. During DSPC, I finished naman with plenty of time to spare. But I when I re-read it. There was something wrong. And then, ayun, rewrite. Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. Until I had so many copies of my work, and I was the last one in the room.

So for RSPC, Ms. E trained us for time consciousness and stuff (that was where the topic was the Maguindanao Massacre thingy). And there, I didn't get to finish my work. And when Ms. E asked me to finish it, it didn't change anything. It still sucked. Walang force, walang impact, at kulang sa facts.

So as I was writing, I kept looking at my watch. Five minutes have passed. I had some ideas in my head, but my paper was blank. And then I started to write my lead. "When a man dies... *kill* If a man dies... *kill* If a man is killed..." And after that, my ideas kept flowing. I was getting close to the 30-minute mark. I only allowed myself 30-minutes to make a draft, or else I might not be able to finish rewriting. As I was rewriting, I made so minor changes to the body, and major changes to my ending. The end result? I loved it!

It was something that you wouldn't expect to have come from me (if you have read my previous editorials). My previous editorials we're all optimistic, persuasive for better change but not too forceful, and all that other timid girly stuff. But this one, my entry to the RSPC. It was forceful, it demanded power. It was... it was... FEARLESS. It was also the first time that I only had to rewrite once after the draft. I was happy, plainly because it was the best thing I've written in my entire life. It wasn't written just to become a RSPC entry. It was something more than that. It meant something more to me. For that period of time, I really felt like a journalist. I felt like a journalist that was being threatened to keep her silence. I felt like a victim. I didn't want to be a victim, but I didn't want to stop either. I fought for my right.

Amazingly, I had around 20 minutes to spare. I waited for the last person to pass. I was too excited, too nervous, too overwhelmed to pass mine first. I wanted to pass as the last person because I saw that the proctor put the last papers on top. I wanted them to read mine first. No, scratch that. I WANTED THEM TO READ MINE.

I walked out that room, smiling. I went to the usual place where my schoolmates are found but they were gone. I went around the whole school, but still there was no sign of them. I was tired, sweaty, but still smiling. The aura was beautiful. I wanted to keep that.

I checked for my phone because people are already looking at me. They must think I'm crazy. LOL.

There was a message from Ms. E asking where I was and saying where they are. So I went to them. As I made my way closer. They sensed my happiness. (sabi ko sa inyo, may aura eh. :p)

Ms. E quickly got my paper and started reading it... even if I said that it was magulo. When she finished, she didn't react. I was happy, and her face was blank. So, well, I was kinda worried. So I asked her, "Ma'am... Pasok ba?" Then she gave me a nod and a thumbs up. :3

I was smiling all day, and everyone sensed my mood. They'd remind me about that every time I'd go chikadora mode. (For more info about chikadora, click here.)

But, you know, life can't be this good. Good things are bound to end somehow. Though it was short-lived (it only lasted for one afternoon; it didn't even last long enough to wait until I fell asleep), it was a fun ride. It was kind of awkward, though. After laughing so hard because of funny incidents, I just suddenly... stopped. A thought came into my mind, "What if they reject my paper before they even read the whole of it?" It's amazing how a single thought can rush into your head and dramatically change the situation. I slept with that thought in my head. It was disturbing my dreams, but it did well in preparing me for the downfall.

When we got to the awarding ceremony the next day, I was already expecting that I won't win, even just a placer or something like that. Trust me, when I feel bad things, they happen.

Initially, I was thinking like... "Grabe. If hindi nila ma-appreciate yun, iiyak ako." But as I woke up, I was thinking... "If hindi nila ma-appreciate yun, wala silang puso. If hindi nila mabasa yun, they're missing a big thing." Then I realized something, I should not be thinking about them. I was geniunely happy with what I wrote. If they can't see that, then there's no big deal. It's my happiness I should be worried about, not theirs. And I don't need an award to tell me that what I wrote was good, because it was good enough to satisfy me. Anyway, it did come true. I didn't win. And guess what? I was actually okay with it. Of course, I was kind of sad that I won't go to Davao. But, I'll get there someday, right? :)

So there, lesson learned. We shouldn't get sad if we fall sometimes. What matters is we did it for ourselves, not for others. Because if we do it for other people, when we lose... the loss is doubled because we didn't satisfy the others and at the same time, we didn't satisfy ourselves. At least, if you do it for you, you're definitely going to be satisfied (because you know what you want, and you did what you want) even if you don't get anything for it. :)

Anyway, I'll hope I'll pass the other place I'm applying for. :p Pray for me. :)

Ciao! :)

- shad0wmaiden