being honest

i miss you.

I know I shouldn't be saying this, but I really do.

I just finished downloading my profile from the-soon-to-be-deleted-slash-renovated Friendster. And true enough, the first thing I looked for was your testimonials for me.

I know I shouldn't be holding on to them 'cause "we" were done with these years ago. But somehow, I find myself still questioning what happened. And those messages were the only thing I can hold on to -- the only things that can prove that "we" once existed, whatever we were.

Remember when you were saying goodbye? I told you that I would wait for you, and I did. You took a part of me with you. Sure, I had a few "someones" and some "somebodies" after a while, but I never stopped thinking of you.

When you called that night, just as my birthday was about to end, you we're saying sorry because you we're so busy that you almost forgot. I was happy that at the very least, you we're able to remember but at the same time, I was sad that you almost forgot.

You took a part of me when you left. I am not kidding. Every single time you forgot about the things we shared, I started to forget too. I was losing myself thinking that I was losing you.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming you for anything. It was at my own discretion to get close to you. I took the plunge at my own risk. Besides, it was our deal, right? It was my fault for hoping that one day, all of it might become real.

You. You were my false reality. I shouldn't live that way, but I did.

I don't know why I feel sad that I wasn't able to retrieve your comments. I only see those of the people around us -- people who saw my reality. They were pretty much the same as I was. I was seeing "us", even though it wasn't there. Even though you weren't there.

All I have are the memories of you, memories of what you said. I have nothing concrete to hold. And one day, I might be able to forget. Actually, I thought I did. But I guess I didn't. 'Cause if i did, I wouldn't be writing this right now, right?

I'm not wishing for "us" to return. I just miss you. That's it. I hope I got that right.
Even Friendster is telling me to forget about it, treat it as if it never existed.

I don't know. But somehow, life was a lot happier when you used to be around. Don't worry, I'm not hoping for "it" to return. I just want my best friend back. I want to talk like we used to.

Yeah. As I've said... I miss you. That's it.