soul sisters

We are sisters. I was thinking of how I, sort of, wanted a *someone* already. Like, seriously. It's been what? Four years since I've had a serious we're-more-than-friends-but-we're-not-really-together kind of relationship. It's kind of funny how I felt that she read my mind while reading her post. Haha! We really are sisters.

So, there. At the moment, I can't find anybody who's... well... my type? I'm not even remotely close to any boy, either. Idk. I guess I developed boy-phobia from my past "thing"/"fling"/whatever you want to call it.

It's sooo weird. It feels so weird. Before, I can easily find someone. I don't use them for rebound. I'm not like that. Idk why, but they just magically appear to console me then poof! Or they'd come right after I'm over it then poof! But now, not a single one appeared. All of the boys suddenly became rare pokemons.

I believed it was because of my appearance. Well, I kind of believe it still is. But my psy101 teacher tells me that the reason why I'm having a hard time finding someone is because I've been hurt. I didn't make sense at first, but then he explained it. It's not because of my appearance, because there are girls fatter than me who still managed to find someone for them. It's because I got hurt that I made my standards a lot higher to prevent myself from getting hurt. He also said that I may have the tendency to kill relationships before they start, even without noticing it. I guess, using the term friendzone will make it easier to explain. In short, I friendzone everyone that gets close to me or may get close to me because I'm afraid to get hurt.

It's a lot harder because I can't even accept myself. I may look comfortable in my own body, but I'm not. I miss the times when I'm comfortable enough to wear a two-piece suit. I miss going to the beach. I miss cheerleading. I miss everything I used to be. I hate myself for letting this happen to me. I hate myself for neglecting myself. I could have, should have taken care of myself better... and I didn't.

I don't want to hate myself more than I do now. I can't let myself be loved by other people if I don't even know how to love myself, first. I'm decided. I'm getting rid of this attitude right now. I'm gonna exercise, and I'm gonna diet. I'm getting my old body back, and I'm getting a better life. Here's to the new me.