two words

going home.

...

I'm going back to the Philippines in 16 hours.

And sadly, I'm going to welcome the new year inside the aircraft.

I just realized that it's kind of sad that I won't be able to celebrate it with anyone I know. I won't be able to call or text anyone, either. I don't know. I mean, I was aware of it. But, it kinda only hit me now. This is the first time that I'll be alone in welcoming the year. (The next sentence is a bit irrelevant, but I got reminded about it, so I'll just say it anyway.) Now that I think about it, for the first time, mom might not give me my ang pao (because I didn't see her preparing any xD).

The year 2012 hasn't even started, but I already have a couple of "firsts" lined up with it.

A lot of things are changing. And I'm proud to say that I think I am changing, too. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I could have never done it on my own, even if people say that I could have. But you know... (even in physics, energy that is) potential is... well, just potential. It can only turn into something when there's a stimulus.

Whoever I am now, I am proud of it. Well, I may have a little issue with my body (since I am clearly not comfortable in it), but I am proud of who I have become. I may be a lot more impatient now, but I get things done faster and better. I may be harsh now, but at least I am a lot more honest and open. People may (if not, they probably will) perceive me as a bit bitchy, but I am a lot stronger now, and that couldn't be helped.

But despite all that hard shell, I am still me. I can't just shift from a total softy to a hard-shell bitch in a few days, weeks, months or even years. Even if I change, there's a huge part of me that will never change: morality and values. I'm proud of the person my mother raised me to be. I stand firmly on my beliefs. I never gave it up, even if people used to look down on me. I may have changed my approach on how I stand by these beliefs, but what I am fighting for remain the same.

One of the values I was raised with is gratitude. And with all honesty, I can't be the person I am now without every person who I happened to meet in this lifetime. I thank all of you for everything you have contributed. May it be good or ill feelings, words, or actions... I still thank you. To everyone in my high school who had nothing good to say about me, for those who played with me like a toy, and for those who used me until I have nothing more to give... For those bad memories, I have been cut. To all my family, relatives, friends, acquaintances, and to everyone who gave me good advice and gave me encouragement... For all the good things you have done and memories you shared with me, I have been polished. Up until now, I am still in the making. But I assure you, one day, I'll be sparkling more than you ever thought I will. And all that, I attribute to you guys. Thank you.

But of all the people I have to thank, I have to give special credit to my sister, Tina. Everyone else was helping shine, with or without their knowledge. But of all the people, I thank you more because you are the only person who made me realize that I was a diamond in the making. That everyone, everything... good or bad... soothing or hurtful... all of it was done to make me stronger. It was you who made me realize that my strongest opposers were actually my biggest fans. And most of all, thank you that you cared enough to ask whether or not you were one of them. There was a huge gap between us, carefully layered since we were kids. And I thank you for breaking down that wall.

After that experience, I have been freed.

And I'm pretty sure that I'll have more firsts as soon as the new year starts.

I'm pretty lucky to have my family and friends in this journey. And I'm really really really grateful for that.

So, for everyone out there, I only have two words for you:

watch me ;)